Broken Hallelujah

I’ve listened to a song a many times, it’s simplicity and depth have really spoken to a deep part of me. I never understood, until recently,  that the song was about King David of the bible. The lyrics state , ” Love isn’t a victory march, but a broken hallelujah”. I never really got that, until just lately. I’m learning what a broken hallelujah kind of love is, the only way you can, through breaking. My family has experienced so much hardship the last few years; emotional , spiritual, and  financial. I have been in this broken place a couple of times now in the last three years. What I mean by broken is when you’re at a  point when you realize you truly have nothing left to give, offer, or do to help yourself out of a painful situation. When even your prayers and faith seem to have fallen into a black void in space, instead of into God’s lap. I have questioned why does it seem like the more I want to love God and be a “good” christian, the more my life and my family’s is dashed onto  the rocks of circumstances? I am learning what real love is in a painful, but necessary way. God has allowed  my husband and I to endure loss, embarrassment, fear, doubt, and anger to bring us to a place where we give up. We have to give up and realize that we have nothing left to do but just still love God. It’s not a pleasant journey. It’s painful. But I am beginning to understand what God wants from me; my love, my trust, my obedience. Even when I am broken, he wants my love. If I respond with love in my brokeness, I’ll have my broken hallelujah, I’ll have demonstrated to God that I will love him in the midst of the calamity, chaos, and loss. I have to ask myself , “Is God enough?” He knows our hearts. He knows who really wants to deepen their spiritual life with him, and draw nearer to him. And I think he takes those people to a place of brokeness so that they will find that He is enough. When we realize that He is enough, the mature christian emerges! What can separate us from the love of Christ? Nothing! What can God overcome in our lives? Everything! We are still in a tough place, but I feel God’s love and hand in our lives like never before. We talk about him so much more with our girls, and are watching them grow spiritually as well. We are closer as a family. I feel peace about the future even though I don’t have a clue what comes next.  Are you breaking now? Are you broken now? Let God lift you up from your broken place and be everything you need. Your love will deepen, your spiritual life will mature, and He will replace your pain with peace and joy in your heart. It’s his promise to you, 

Isaiah 46:3-4, “You whom I have upheld since your were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” (NIV) What’s your Broken Hallelujah story? Let’s share with each other our burdens and lift each other up, wherever you are in this process of a broken hallelujah.

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Thoughts of a Vapor

Today is the day I begin this journey with you.  I chose the title, Thoughts of a Vapor, because of a moment of clarity during a bible study book talk. I have been consumed with thoughts of worry and uncertainty. Job losses, financial losses, mental health issues, family stresses, and the list goes on and on and on. So, as we read from  Crazy Love, by Francis Chan, this verse poked me, “What is your life, you are a mist that appears and then vanishes.” (James 4:13-14) So, these discouraging thoughts that have been overwhelming me, crushing  my mental health   into a little ball each day, are even smaller in scope than my own life, which is just a mist? In God’s perspective, my life is just a little mist, vapor, so my thoughts are just….Thoughts of a vapor? For some reason, absurdities  appeal to me, and this revelation, as absurd as it seemed, sort of helped me realize that if I put things in God’s perspective, not my own, my tremendous worries and anxieties, are miniscule. They seem like leviathan monsters of the deep to me, but when I look at them through God’s perspective, they are vapors that can dissipate in a poof!. That is healing to me, because, it shrinks my problems and worries down and reminds me that my God is bigger! Your God is bigger!

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